When She Says “We” She Means “You.”

Any man who is married can tell you about the many instances where they felt like a victim of a Jedi mind trick. There they were minding their own business when the love of their lives comes into view and begins weaving a curious spell on her innocent and unsuspecting husband. She uses a very potent and formidable technique that uses a sing-song melody to distract him from the approaching treachery. She secures her hooks by asking him if he has been working out. Feeling affirmed he replies “yes, as a matter of fact I did drive past the gym three times last week.”

Realizing that her plan is working she plants the seed and softly suggest that “we should do something nice for the kids, like build them a Ferris-Wheel in the backyard.” Naturally he seems puzzled at the request because it sounds really expensive and time consuming. He ask her to repeat it again to make sure he heard her correctly. She says it again and promptly slaps on another layer of ego-stroking by telling him that one of her co-workers thought about the same thing for their house but she never asked her husband because…wait for it “He’s not as handy as you are.” He thinks to himself, Yeah, I am handy as hell.

So now the game is set and after he agrees to the project a list of tools, supplies magically appear in his lap. So off they go to the hardware store and everything is just right as rain until they returned home with a truck full of stuff. As our mighty titan begins dragging beams, bars and bags of screws he notices his little sugarplum heading inside. Where are you going? She replies Oh, I just remembered I need to swing by the store, pickup my dry-cleaning, get some pads from the drugstore, heal the sick and feed the poor before junior gets out of practice. Now faced with the fact that teamwork is no longer an option, he switches into Hero-Mode and begins putting everything together.

As night falls on our DIY ninja, it finally dawns on him that he has been swindled and that he fell for the head-fake. He completes his work because papa didn’t raise no quitter and storms in the house to confront his trickster spouse only to find her wearing those tights he loves so much. Instantly, his frustration evaporates and is quickly replaced with thoughts of wifely-delights. She notices that he is now on the hunt and cleverly suggest he wash up and come to bed.

He dashes into the shower and scrubs from head to toe. The bathroom door burst open accompanied by a rush of fog. He makes his way into the darkness fully anticipating the greatest of rewards for a hard-days’ work only to find her snoring. He drops to knees and throws his fist in the air quietly shouting “Curses! She got my ass again.”

So if you’re a new husband, your lesson for the day is this. When she says WE she means YOU.

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