More Funny Things about Marriage

I hope you enjoyed the first edition of funny things about marriage. I am on a roll, so I’m going to enrich your understanding about marriage through the awareness that unpreparedness yields a plethora of opportunities to feel like the frequent recipient of random misfortune, otherwise known as a LOSER. Have no fear, because you are not and will not be the only person experiencing these moments. As a society we have horribly prepared people for the reality of a marriage and exactly how much work has to go into it. I want to say that I got more preparation and support on the importance of flossing versus matrimony. I knew exactly how to wage war against plaque and gingivitis, but not on the most selfish parts of myself.

 

“Ain’t nothing like some good-good loving“

One of the best things about being married is that you always have someone to have sex with, on and for. Married sex has gotten a bad-wrap, kind of like when the new guy does your burrito at Chipotle (however the hell you spell it.) It’s true that married sex is different from when you were single or playing the field, but it’s actually a good thing. When you’re married, you have time to figure each other out and focus all your efforts on the stuff that works and forget about those inapplicable moves you saw in that magazine in the grocery store. Besides, it wouldn’t be a good idea to pick your wife up and turn her upside-down because she has sinus issues. Remember when you were dating that alternative girl who was way out there? There was something about her alright, maybe it was the glow-in-the-dark body paint she wore to happy hour. The intrigue was much too strong, so you two partied for a while and headed back to her place where things got loose real quick. She went into her closet to change and you were all giddy like a kid on Christmas. She emerged wearing something naughty, but she was holding a pair of skates and 44oz big gulp. This seemed odd, but you just thought you had a stone cold freak, until she leaned over and whispered in your ear that “these are for you.” Check Please! You don’t have to worry about that when you have your own lady and you both know what sets each other on fire. This principle has the potential to add some amazing fireworks in your love life.

 

Where is the emergency exit?

There is one sobering reality that one must face when they have gotten married and it is the realization that the backdoor or cracked window you had when you were dating is no longer there. This emergency exit that I’m referring to is the route you took to exit out of a relationship like a fighter pilot ejecting out of his cockpit before a missile slams into his plane. You may have found yourself cornered in a conversation about a five year plan or the very direct what are we doing here, where is this relationship going? A question that is un-wiggle-outable. So you use to be able to get away with complaining about the size of her feet as a capital offense that you could no longer deal with and proceed to not returning calls for weeks. However, now that you are married, if you try to run away from a tough conversation then you will be faced with a supernatural phenomenon. Picture this, an argument starts in the bedroom and you go into flight mode storming out the door and slamming it behind you. As you take a step and begin to walk down the hallway you see her pop up at the opposite end of the hallway like Jason or Freddy Kreuger. She folds her arms and calmly says in an Exorcist-like tone, don’t you think we should continue this little discussion? I can hear the spooky violins in the back ground.

It’s really quite simple, building a life is difficult and it’s a marathon of careful deliberation and blind faith. If you ever feel like running away, then I challenge you to remember that you are in a partnership and it can never thrive without your participation. So hang in there and talk things through with your wife. Don’t try to jump out the second story window because she will probably be waiting for you at the bottom with that exorcist-voice saying affectionately “darling, don’t you think you’re being unreasonable?

 

 The Law of the In-Laws

Who doesn’t love their In-Laws? Wait don’t answer that. It is tradition in our culture to see our In-Laws as the ambassadors from Crazytown who seek your ultimate destruction so their daughter can find a real man with a real job. Of course this isn’t the case for everybody. Take me for instance, my wife’s side of the family took to me right away and I to them because for the most part we were all down to earth people. The only rub I ever have is during Thanksgiving when all the other guys want to dig into my super-duper special peach cobbler that my mother-in-law makes just for me. Every year it’s the same thing, a battle royal in the kitchen fending off aggressors and hopping from the counter to the island where I point my wooden salad fork at them with purpose and shout “do you yield sir?”

For those with more tenuous relations, it can be difficult having dinner with people who feel like you’re the only beneficiary of your marriage. So you go along with the get along and try to save face. I heard one guy say that he asked his dentist to fuse some hooks to his molars so when visits his wife’s parents he can just stretch his mouth back and “Click” instant smile that last for hours. He hadn’t figured out a way around the drooling though. Nevertheless, we husbands must find peace in the fact that you are doing all you can to make your wife happy and that should be evident by her behavior. For those with impossible in laws, you may want to stage a fake kidnapping at your next Sunday dinner. They can bust in throw a bag over your head and drag you out kicking and screaming. After your wife has paid the ransom of a six pack and a four foot long hoagie, you will be released at which point you can explain to your wife that you probably shouldn’t go back to your parent’s place. It’s just too dangerous.

In closing, always remember that uncertainty is no reason not to try. Its avoidance and misdirection that are the real problem.

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