Funny Things about Marriage vol.1

These days there is so much content available to you to help you find success and happiness in your marriage. I’m guilty of adding fuel to that fire myself. You’re welcome. So much of the marriage advice out there is great and important to have, but equally important is the ability to find humor and laughter in the toughest and most challenging role of your life. The evolution and changes that marriage sends you through can be overwhelming at times and they absolutely provide a ton of material for later amusement if you don’t take yourself too seriously. As we move forward I hope you are entertained, motivated and inspired, but mostly entertained.

“What do you mean to have and to hold?”

My wife and I took the courageous leap to write our own vows and at the time it seemed like an awesome idea. We imagined that fantasy moment when we would emerge on stage hand in hand exchanging some of the deepest most heartfelt confessions of love and allegiance to each other. It turned out to be all of those things except one. My wife was as steady as a rock while she belted out an award winning speech that would make Perry Mason, Matlock and the entire cast from Law and Order go take a seat and learn a little sumthin-sumthin. My ass, on the other hand had spent the night prior at a hotel desk pondering the wonders of life and love in my underwear. I paced back and forth trying to think about how I could out-profess my love for my bride and have the better vow. Why? Because when you and your bride are both competitive it takes very little to start a contest with the soon to follow victory dance. Are we special? Indubitably! Well, the time came for me to go after her and she didn’t disappoint the crowd.

I must admit I was a little anxious. It was like a clown from your kid’s birthday party having to follow behind Beyonce’. There I stood cool and calm on the outside and a tumultuous storm on the inside. I had to pull myself together, because they call me Ice-Cold baby. I always come through in the clutch! There was only one problem. I pulled my paper out of my jacket. Did I mention she memorized her ten minutes of vows? Yeah, well when I revealed my “manifesto” everybody laughed because of course wifey just shut it down with both hands behind her back. I placed my lead foot forward and held out my paper like a Chinese magistrate reading one of the emperor’s new decrees and all the writing on my paper disappeared. I know right! Well apparently anxiety and nervousness can jack you up in many ways, at this moment I’m intimately familiar with one. Slowly my sight returned and I proceeded with the best speech I could manage that would be worthy of going straight to VHS. I cried too. Better make that Beta-max, not VHS. Now I Have a grudge and I plan to Hold it against her in perpetuity.

Don’t mix white silk blouses with new red basketball shorts from the flea market, who knew?

When you are single and handling your own affairs it so easy to make a mistake, cover it up and proceed as if nothing happened. Not so much when you are now sharing space with someone who wants to be a part of everything you do. When I had own house, I could leave random piles of shirts, pants, socks and even my treasured euro briefs in the middle of the floor. Sure it looked like a Clothes-A-Saurus took multiple dumps in a confined space but I took the high road and simply stepped over them until it was time for a girl to come over. Only in that situation would I have to drop to my knees and sift through the piles to discern which pile was clean and which one was dirty. As you would imagine, I waited until the last minute to straighten up which set the scene for a high pressure situation. Much like a Hollywood Bomb technician, who rips off his protective helmet and tells everybody “to get the hell out of here” and from there I got to sniffin’. Who knew?
When you’re a newly married man you come in with some assumptions such as the following:

  • My wife will enjoy cleaning up after me and my friends as we play the newest version of Halo and or Call of Duty while the Bachelor –Women Tell All Edition is on. She’s always there for me, well us in this case.
  • Providing an awesome hot meal for me is just one of many things she envisioned for herself doing for her champion. Too bad I grabbed a burger on the way in. Probably should have called to see if she wanted one.
  • I can only assume that her and my mother partnered together to make sure that my laundry was in good hands. Sometimes I have to ask Siri for directions to the washing machine because that’s how often I went.

We could go on and on about the many tasks awaiting my highly motivated bride. Yeah right. I was in for a surprise when after a few weeks of marital bliss my queen verbally lacerated me about not helping out more around the house. With me having strong convictions about lacerations I quickly jumped into action to provide assistance in a task that she may have temporarily lost appreciation for the privilege to do. Smack me now. I was in a rush and thought it would be more efficient to measure the pile of clothes and cross-reference the circumference of the opening of the washer and what do you know it all fit! Three cheers for MANpower!
When the buzzer went off, I admirably set down my sandwich and rushed over to the washer to transfer. I say swiftly because it was a commercial break for the playoffs. 45 minutes later a similar buzzer goes off, I cried out curse these wretched bells! Because the game was on. After feverishly addressing the mound of clothes so I could see the TV screen I stumbled upon what would be the first of many laundry-sins. My wife’s sexy $80 white blouse had done the forbidden dance with my .80 basketball shorts from the flea market, they were free with my purchase of some padded nunchucks. Badass and safe. After a fresh verbal laceration I now know that laundratic-endeavors aren’t as simple as I once thought. Who knew? Well apparently my baby knew, and now I also know that she is not a fan of tie dye in any form.

Love well, It’s the New I Do…

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