What does it mean to have a sense of urgency?
If you’re like me you have heard the phrase “have a sense of urgency” from every single coach you’ve played under. You also have been on the business-end of what happens when you don’t “look alive” or “keep your head up.” The wisdom in these cries for diligence were never better displayed than when you didn’t heed the advice. It clicked after you got scored on as a corner back in football or watched the guy you were supposed to be guarding do a triple windmill dunk leading to an explosive roar from the crowd. Despite the noise, you could still hear your coach’s teeth grinding on the sideline. What they were trying to tell us is that in life’s moments, we don’t have time to mess around or wait to get ready. Married life is no different. Every single day will present you with a new set of moments for you to look like a Full-Flavor Hero or a Zero-Calorie Alternative. I don’t care how hard they try, there is nothing like the original and so it seems when it comes to our efforts in our marriage. The time for decisive action is now not after the game goes off.
“I’ll catch her next time.”
We all tell ourselves little lies from time to time in order to avoid guilt or explain away our reasons for not taking action. It is on rare occasion that we benefit from this behavior. We turn our backs on the realities of our lives and face a corner while we create this false narrative about what is really happening, never facing the consequences. For example, let’s say that your wife has been working really hard on something at work and she gets an at-a-boy from her superiors. She rushes home to share her excitement only to find you engulfed in the third run of Sports Center, which you’re watching for the third time because obviously you were being thorough and didn’t want to miss anything. This registers to her as you not giving a damn and so she shuffles to the bedroom to start boiling. After you finish texting your buddy, who is also watching run number three of Sports Center, you hop up to go check your baby. You may be shocked to see that the brilliant smile that came in the door has now been replaced with a stone façade cold to the touch. Within her is a potent pressurized cocktail of anger, disappointment and rejection which you are about to release when you utter “So what were you saying?” She replies “never mind it’s obviously not important to you.” Here is where the carnage begins. He offends her with an aggressive “what’s your problem?” To which she responds with a chain of insults that I can’t type because the Spelling and Grammar filter will explode.
What he missed was those crucial seconds when she came through the door to see the energy and excitement. It was that moment where the DVR should have been paused and him matching her mood and sharing that moment with her. For this poor slug, there will be no next time.
“She knows I love her. I tell her all the time, generally.”
One of my biggest revelations about marriage was about how important connection is to our wives. Oh, I almost forgot that good hygiene was another one particularly if you are in the pursuit of Wifely Delights. The opportunities to connect with your wife are endless, so the more ways you find to do this the more return you will see in your relationship. The average guy may feel like because he tells his wife that he loves her on a regular basis that he is doing what he is supposed to do and he is right in that assumption. However, at Marriage Declassified we learn to over deliver. Words convey one thing but you can double down and take actions that show her you are thinking about her which will feed her connection.
Let’s look at a few examples:
- You can tell her she looks beautiful in an existing dress and she will say thank you and maybe smile. Or you can surprise her with a sexy little black dress and tell her “I saw this and thought you would look great in it.” She will smile so big she will get her ears wet. FYI, don’t tell her you saw it in the mall while you were sneaking-off to buy a new video game.
- Telling her that you appreciate dinner may get you an obligatory “you’re welcome.” Having dinner waiting on her when she comes home from work will make her rejoice so loud that the heavens will open slightly and two naked cherubs will appear spreading joy and good tidings. FYI, you may want to ask those cherubs to help you with the dishes and counter-tops or else your chances for love making may evaporate if she sees dirty pots in the sink.
- Sending her nice and flirty texts while she is at work will make her smile and say “Oh that is so sweet!” Posting several pics of you guys together on social media with a “best friends” border for all to see will earn you zero phone calls on your next boy’s night out.
Time waits for nobody
In closing, I want to leave you with an encouraging message that will help motivate you to have a shift in perspective so you can appreciate the time that you have with your wife. When you are young and child free you should travel often, make love even more and spend as much time together as possible. The reason for this is that when kids come into play your time for each other gets slashed and few opportunities will arise for you to revisit your earlier days. Who knows how long you have on this earth? You don’t want to look back at the early days of your marriage and have to take inventory of all the missed opportunities to be present in her moments. Don’t be that guy who looks up ten years from now and questions whether or not marriage was worth it. We all get the same 24 hours, surely you would want to invest those hours into something that can give you a return. So make that investment in yourself and your family,because the reality is that you ain’t got all day.